Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Health Update: Complete Remission

Hey guys,

Sorry it has been so long since the last update. Life has been pretty crazy recently. I will jump right to the best news though - I have officially been declared in complete remission by my oncologist!!! Praise God! This is the best thing that can be happening right now. The first round of chemo ended about a month and a half ago, and I just completed a PET scan to confirm that it wiped out all of my cancer. Now, I am just in the stage of waiting, praying and hoping it doesn't come back.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Health Update - May 11th

Hey everyone,

So, I got some great news to share! A week ago or so, the oncologist had me do a CT scan to check out what was happening with the cancer. This was the first scan since starting chemo. Just a bit nerve-racking, eh? Well, the scan came back showing that almost all of the cancer was out of my body! Praise God! Now, there was a very high likelihood of this happening, but it doesn't take away from the fact that the disease that was killing my body is just about completely gone. I still have to complete my last two scheduled rounds of chemo (this Thursday and then about a month from now), but after that, I will be done for now.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Health status update (and yes, a rant)- April 14th

Hey everyone!

So, I am going to try and give a health status update for each round of chemo, for those of you who want to know how I am doing day to day. Not the most exciting stuff in my opinion (though it always seems to turn into a rant), but its here anyway.

I just had my third round last Thursday, which should be the halfway mark! I cannot believe that I am halfway through chemo already! But, this round was quite a bit more difficult than the first two. The weekend immediately following, I was sick and mildly depressed. And it was that kinda sick where you can still kinda be doing stuff, but you feel "bleh" the whole time. And there was this very unpleasant nauseousness underlying everything. I surmise it may be something like what pregnant women deal with throughout their pregnancy. 

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Health Update March 31

So, it has already been two months since I was diagnosed and I haven’t done a health update! Sorry!!

First, a brief overview of what I have. The cancer is called Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma. Lymphoma is a cancer that starts in the lymph nodes, which are used for the immune system. There are many different types of lymphoma, some really bad and immediately life threatening, and others are curable. I have one that has good rates of overall survival and curability. It is also actually really strange that I have it, since it’s most common in the elderly. 

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Cancer and reflections on death

I have been thinking a lot about death recently. It’s kind of hard not to when it is staring me in the face. Not that this is something completely abnormal for me; Death and eternity have been topics I have always been drawn to. God used a near-death experience to shake me out of spiritual death when I was 18 (via the good old-fashioned technique of a motorcycle accident). My best friend died when I was 20. I am drawn to funerals, just to be in such a sobering environment. But all of those things have been momentary. With cancer, I have had this long, drawn out forced meditation with death that I cannot elude. And yet, this is something I have treasured quite a bit thus far. For it is the reality that we all face, whether diagnosed with a life-threatening disease or at the height of health. Now, I just see it more clearly than others. The veil has been ripped off of my face so that I cannot help but stare into the darkness our society has so successfully ignored. It is quite freeing actually.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013


The worst thing imaginable is the thought that there is nothing else. That this world is all we have, and that once we die, there is only silence. I hear it whispered when I look at into the darkness of the night, seeking to unnerve me. For a time, I entertain the thought. What if this was all we had, this sliver of a moment in time. What if in the end, we only faded into nothingness? Hopelessness then grips me, and I feel the fear choking me. Then I hear the firmer whisper, “Do you trust me?” Do you truly believe that I will do as I say? That you are safe with me? Memories of his past provisions rock me, and I remember His Son, who spoke life to the world. “Do you really believe me, that I am who I say I am?”

The thought of a cold and lonely death plagues me again, but this time I am ready. God is stronger, and Jesus overcame you. One day, I will die, and yet I will live, for my savior lives. It is you who will pass away and fade into nothingness, on that cold and lonely day. No one will remember who you were, and we will all rejoice in your demise. For we will finally be free from the struggle, free from the battle that seems to never end. And it is for that day that I live for now, which will come even though you deny it to me every cold and lonely moment. I put my trust in the one who overcame you, for it is he alone who is.

"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)

And the world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God abides forever.
(1 John 2:17)

Sunday, March 11, 2012


Wake up. Open your eyes. The world in front of you greets with a shout of "nothing matters." "God is not here." "This is all there is...nothing more." The things that are seen continue this crying out. They don't relent. It turns into a constant and soon fades into the background where you can no longer detect their audible voice, but only blindly accept their whisper. But if you only look deeper. Observe more closely.

Everything is decaying, soon to die. All is only temporary and will whither away. But if all things end, do not all begin? Who gives their beginning? Who gives them life and breath and the very ability to even exist? Why is it that they decay? What happens when all goes away?

If you only dig a little further, the things seen become the loudest witness for the things unseen. And, if you keep at it, the things unseen become the only things worth seeing.

"because that which is known about God is evident within them [mankind]; for God made it evident to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse." (Romans 1:19-20)

Friday, August 26, 2011

"I" observing "I"

We cannot even gain the meaning of our existence by studying ourselves. For in doing so, there is always a part of us that is not “object,” since there must at the same time be a part of us that is the “subject” doing the observation. To put it another way, in self-conciousness there is always an “I” that is doing the observation as well as an “I” that is observed. We can consider ourselves and then in our imagination step back and see ourselves looking at ourselves, and if we desire to carry this on, we can see the self that is looking at the self that in turn is looking at the self, ad infinitum, until we cannot hold it together anymore. The point is that no matter how far we carry on the process, there is always an “observing I” that we cannot observe. Thus there is a dimension of our self that stands outside of all our thought, namely, the subject doing the thinking. Who is this subject? Unless someone tells us who we are, we can never know.

                        -Understanding Christian Theology, by Charles Swindoll and Roy Zuck

Monday, August 1, 2011

Past the pain of death

We are too focused on the pain of death that we never actually think beyond. Where will we go once we die? Even that we will no longer be in this place, this world. We don't think about that. In my experience, when death pops into my mind for some reason or another, I immediately think of how much its going to hurt. Then whoosh, off to another topic, without thinking any further about death. But once I actually concentrate and make myself think wow, one day, I am going to die. I will no longer be here, in this existence. There are only two options I can logically see that happens next. Either I just stop being, or I go on to another place. But one option I can cancel out, I for sure won't be here any longer.

Sunday, July 31, 2011


"Sinner, is thy heart at rest?
Is thy bosom void of fear?
Art thou not by guilt oppress'd?
Speaks not conscience in thine ear?
Can this world afford thee bliss?
Can it chase away thy gloom?
Flattering, false, and vain it is;
Tremble at the worldling's doom!
Think, O sinner, on thy end,
See the judgment-day appear,
Thither must thy spirit wend,
There thy righteous sentence hear.
Wretched, ruin'd, helpless soul,
To a Saviour's blood apply;
He alone can make thee whole,
Fly to Jesus, sinner, fly!"

-A hymm from back in the day
       written down by Spurgeon

Friday, July 8, 2011

Jesus, Thoth, the Flower of Life, and Universalism

This was a Facebook Chat I had with a friend of mine, identified as "SG". Another person does add a bit and they are labeled as "AG"
Egypt is fascinating. Alot of people think that Civilization begin in Sumer around 6000 years ago. But after analyzing the water-wear on the Sphinx with computer models it's been concluded that it would take at least 1,000 years of constant torrential rain to wear it that thin. So it's more likely at least 15,000 years old. That means civilization must be at least that old.

Tim Wellings Are you studying this for school or somethin?

SG Nah Tim, I just Study to Study. Mostly religious stuff. I was reading about the Flower of Life, and how it's found all over the world and especially in Egypt. Then they got to talking about the Sphinx.
SG That's funny you post that Caleb, because Thoth is a major player in the book I was reading.

Tim Wellings Wat is so special about this flower of life? does it give immortality or somethin?

Saturday, May 28, 2011

My Conversation with a Deployed Marine about the War

This conversation took place over facebook January 30th, 2010

Facebook is lame and only saves the last part of the conversation.
We had just been talking about what it meant to kill. The unnamed Marine said they didn’t talk about it.

well mayn you gotta talk wit someone bout it

not sayin wit me

thats whats gonna mess you up dude

Unnamed Marine

ha my head is fine